sammylux

    Ah it's been a while since I posted anything or updated my blog. Sorry!! _:(´□`」 ∠):_ But everything is going great in my life rn, I've just been a bit busy with my other hobbies >_< and recovering from the episode 

   Quick life updates I guess!! : I passed all my exams, so it's a summer break for me now!!! I spent the first week of it with my boyfriend and my best friend :D my boyfriend found a little kitten recently, I started playing sims 4 like crazy again, I'm getting back into drawing and writing rp, bought some new games on the steam summer sale. Not much is going on, but I'm feeling better and I'm taking one small step at a time towards living better, I'm slowly cleaning my room (really slowly...), I'm trying to deal with my relapsed insomnia. I'm happy :D

   The only thing really bothering me rn is wasting my time a little. I do the same thing every day, so time flies too fast, I'm getting bored. I need to make a little list of things to do to spice it up a little, I think. I want to watch movies again, play games other than the sims and overwatch, do more traditional art, work more, read again, go on walks, cook, bake, write. Ah and I want to code this site again, I have so many plans!! I finally have all the time in the world to enjoy my life and hobbies, so I should just start （￣□￣；）

   I'll be back with updating my song of the week, if anyone is interested in that!!! All that matters is that I am :D also I have some new art to post!!! I'm excited to share it after I do some site maintenance ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／ so much to do! so much to see...!

Thank you for reading! stay freaky! XOXO

    Not much changed since my last personal entry, to be honest. My anxiety is bad, my depression catches me without a warning, my room is a mess. I don't draw much. or code, or write, I mostly watch youtube/tv shows and play games to occupy my mind for as long as possible. I'm tired all the time, way more than usual.

   I'm mostly really really worried about school. I really fucked this semester up and the amount of catching up I have to do with just a month left is overwhelming. I really can't focus on anything. I try to get myself motivated over and over, every day I wake up and sit down to do my work, but I just can't. I'm scared and I'm exhausted. I hope writing in my blog makes it all a little easier, maybe I just need to really get it out of my system and try again, but I really don't know. The worst part is that I know I'm smart, I know I should be able to do all of this with no problem, but something is just wrong with my brain and I can't help it. I've been feeling this way my entire education, but the longer I get held back, change schools, try to finish high school at age 22, the more intense it becomes. I'm an adult, I should be able to finish high school, most adults are already done with it. I'm smart, I'm organized, I want to learn, I want to be productive. And yet, I hold back my tears every day until I can take it anymore, until I wake up with my eyes swollen from crying, like today. It really sucks.

   My social anxiety and this general inability to socialize normally has been a huge issue for me again too. I feel like crying when I just think about my own friends and it's hard to live with, to navigate the world like a human being. No matter what I do, I will just always be left out, in some way or another. No one does it on purpose, no one really notices or knows, for most it's not such a big deal — for me it's like the world is ending. I don't know why I am the way I am, I don't know why my heart is too big for my chest, why I seem to cry more than a person should be able to, why all my attempts to be a human fail, why this happens with every friend group I'm a part of. Everyone is so far ahead of me with their topics, their jokes, their mutual interests, their connections. It's hard to talk with them when I look at our chat and there's not a single thing I can respond to. I wish someone would just keep me up to date with everything I miss, someone would be excited to fill me in on everything and include me right away, because the only thing I can feel right now is how much I'm just not a part of this, any of this, Our interests, human connections, life in general I guess. I wish I felt like my friends' friend, I wish I felt like someone to them. Right now, I'm just here and if I wasn't here, not much would change. I guess what really gets to me is how little impact I have on my friends, how I'm not connected to them, just connected to the group as a whole and disappearing wouldn't even leave any empty space behind.

   I wish there was something that would be able to change my mind, because I really don't want to feel like this. I really want to be happy, more than anything in this whole world, I want to be happy.

    I decided to add sketches to my site in smaller batches, because there's just so many of them ☆￣(＞。☆) so here it is!! I'll try to slowly add more!!!

   I just finished my page with a list of my favorite horror movies!! I wrote some little personal notes, why I like them, my thoughts and all that, you can also find my blinkies I made for them and they're free to use! I'm super excited about this one, because I coded it from scratch to test myself and I love how it turned out, even if it's so simple ヾ(＠^▽^＠)ﾉ YAYYY!!! 

You can find it HERE !

    Yeees I know it's not Easter yet, but I'm polish and for me Easter starts the second my mama starts putting the decorations up, my babcia visits to cook a scary amount of eggs and my tata buys large quantities of discounted beer. This year we are the ones to host a family Easter breakfast at our house, so a bunch of aunts and uncles will come to eat various salads and drink vodka, so I'm looking towards that Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

   What I'm mostly excited about tho is the spring air and sunlight, the flowers in my garden are starting to bloom, ducks came back to our pond, I can sit outside in short sleeves. It's wonderful... Sadly I'm in the middle of switching my meds, which means I'm now like two strong antidepressants down and waiting to be able to start taking my new ones, which suuuuuckls... I'm having a lot of trouble with sleeping again, my anxiety is crazy all the time. I can't focus on anything. I'm probably annoying people around me a little, because half od the words they say to me just don't arrive to my brain, I zone out every other sentence (╯︵╰,) . Also I'm so behind with schoolwork, I have to get my shit together ough!!

   It's fine tho, it's really not that bad. Just a little hard to get used to and tiring. I'm trying to get back into coding my site, but it's hard when all my hobbies seem a little bit pointless rn. But depression in spring is way easier to survive than winter depression, I'll be fine ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

XOXO, your freak and weirdo

   It's kind of amazing what going outside and spending fun time with people you love can do to you. I know I'm still not fully out of this hard period of my life, but it's okay, because I know the world is a kind place and it's trying to help me in every way it can.

   For the first time in so long I felt like a human. It means a lot to me, I usually feel like an idea, something that wasn't supposed to be trapped in a body. It's hard to navigate life like that, constantly trying to escape and stay at the same time. This is kind of a serious way to just describe that I had a lot of fun drinking and smoking with my boyfriend and our friend haha, but I mean it!! It made me feel normal. I think I was never meant to suffer alone in all of this, I was made to love, to sing karaoke, to drink cheap cherry vodka by the river, to take pictures of my friends, to share a smoke with them and play pokemon go together. I'm the happiest when I'm just a stupid young adult, laughing, partying and kissing my boyfriend.

   Idk guys, what I'm trying to say is that I love being alive. I love when life feels easy, even if it's just for a few days :-) Now back to surfing the web.........

    I absolutely love webrings, the main thing I do on my website lately is joining them, scroll through them, sending emails. They're such a lovely way to find new people, create little communities and make the web a nicer place to spend time at. Joining a webring uplifts me way more than getting a bunch of new followers on social media or joining discord servers, they let me feel like I'm socializing without all this stress and overstimulation. Lately I've been experiencing a pretty major social anxiety disorder relapse, it's a pain to spend time with people, talk, get out of my house or even post on my social media, both on my art and personal accounts. It's really weighting me down, since I absolutely love people, I love my friends, I love kind strangers. I'm an introvert, but I still need and desire the feel of belonging, of community. The web helps, webrings help.

   Because of all that, I've been thinking about creating my own webring, nothing huge, just a nice little side project. I want to give back to the community and help with building a better web. Right now I'm just researching the technical side of it, thankfully there are a lot of resources online :-) If I decide to go through with it, I plan for it to be horror related. A place for horror fans to connect with each other... No need to be an expert or have a whole website in the horror aesthetic, just a connection to the genre and interest in anything related to it. Movies, art, comics, books, args, own writing or ocs... I'll also try to include some ways to integrate with other people in the ring, like banner/stamp/button submissions, a chatbox/guestbook for recommendations and just saying hi, shout outs to projects made or loved by members :-)

   Idk... I know there won't be a lot of people joining, but just the thought of putting this together excites me!! I'll make my boyfriend (hi Arlo) test it and help me with whatever else he would want to do. At very least, I'll make it join my evil ring of horrors and fear and blood :D

 I use this blog mainly to embed it to my website! so treat it as an extension to it, since I'll be posting about it on here from time to time. Unless you just want to see a blog, that's fine! ^^ I plan to post various stuff on here, like ramblings about things I like, movie reviews, recommendation lists, personal blog entries, photos and all that junk.

As for my website, here's some stuff I plan to include!:

• this blog (obviously!)
• an art gallery that hosts my artwork, mostly illustrations but I might start adding my doodles and sketches at some point too ^^
• a gallery of my projects, once I finish them. tho, I might also just say what I'm planning on there, since I'm very slow with completing anything
• a list of website building resources, since I'm maintaining them in a google doc and would love to share them with more people!
• shrines for stuff I like, for now I have 3 planned, but I will definitely add more!
• more interactive elements, like a guest book, some fun scripts, a website pot
• a page for my favorite horror movies ^^ i would love it to be interactive once I'm better at coding
• it would be fun to add an OCs page, but I have so many ocs... maybe I'll just add those I include in my artwork a lot?
• I plan to create a small page for projects I love and support! webcomics, indie games, websites, whatever that comes to my mind

most importantly, I just want this website to be a little place for myself. social media really overwhelms me, i struggle a lot with my mental health and with connecting with the world around me. working on this little corner creates a bit of me time, where i do something just for myself. 

that is all! I hope this post will show up properly on my website haha